Find Yourself

Posted: August 22, 2015 in Poetry
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Intro: From over 9 years ago. One of the oldest. Was a huge fan of Hip Hop and still am to an extent, but the lyrics aren’t as “polished” as later works. Really was trying to find a voice, but hopefully this story can shine again.

I felt a presence within me…Pen fell down and my eyes became teary…You are not bad was what I was told…Words couldn’t explain the pain I felt in my…my…soul…

I’ve been feeling like a demon ever since I started breathing. My soul was taking a beating thanks to those teachers keep hating…So I committed treason. For so many bullshit reasons…Evil for all four seasons. Body had superficial lesions…Why? Cuz I Turned my back on my soul and Now I had become cold. For I had no conscience to keep me in control. When I was younger they called me a trouble maker…As I got older I started getting bolder. I wanted to carry real weight on my shoulders, so I started taking more risks…I could’ve been called sadistic…

Ever since the age of 5…Every day the teachers tried…Always belittling me…Sorrowed was all I could be. Why they hating me? Was it what I was rocking…Or the extra pens n pencils I was stocking…I tried my best to be the best student…But this was a battle I was losing. So my soul was ambushed like the city of Troy…Goodbye to the childhood of this boy. If teachers kept hating on me, making me the target of their animosity…Fine I’ll fight back ferociously…I decided to be what they wanted me to be…So long to my little good deeds. So long to the apple I left on her table. So began my so sad fable…

Outta nowhere I just stopped caring for anything…Using anyone for my own benefit. Even my friends were pretty much pawns. In this game of chess which my cold soul spawned. So began my eternal haunt. Was this the life I sought? A low voice kept trying to speak to me…But it got deafened by chit chatter of the streets. The street’s voice was more appealing…To materialism I was kneeling. Didn’t care about who I rolled with. As long as in the end I made it. But I started rolling in too deep…I started chilling with the epitomes of the beast…But I also started making some real friends. All of us was lost in this system. So it was a bond we had in common…Till the day are hearts would be stopping…So one deal after another…Soon lost our beginner’s stutter. Haha! Added a new meaning to the term “Office Clutter”, money slipping like fresh churned butter. As long as the Overlords were satisfied, and I got a piece of the pie, I sort of liked my life… I knew I was doing so many wrong things, yet my cold skin couldn’t feel the sting…The Sting of Reality. The fact that my life is a tragedy.

I literally was losing my mind. People asking me to donate to save people’s lives. What about my life! Don’t anyone care about my own possible demise. Then I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection…saw the reason for my apprehension. I’m the reason I may not be alive today…I’ve sold myself to this horrid game. I’ve lost what I had always believed in. What I was even preaching. The right to free thinking n peaceful living. But no one gives a damn about me! So came the passing of the days, feeling that dirty money I was paid. So many mistakes…
I made one mistake too many…me n my dawgz started owing too much money…Then…the day of my near fatal brawl…I had no one too call…Could’ve sworn my life had stalled…In my mind my life story was being drawn…Erase…Thought it was going to end. Then woke up in a hospital bed…Felt all the spots where I bled…You have a Guardian Angel is what the Doctors said…All I could do was look at the ceiling wondering if someone was scheming or was I dreaming…Some one saved me that day. Dropped me off at the hospital that same day.

This was a beginning to an end…But I had a long way to go, before I could find myself…And claim my soul…This is the story that should be told. Don’t live the life of a thug…In the end you’ll be the one with no love. Never fall to peer pressure…you can be so much better. No one goes with you to the grave, but the pain you cause remains. It lives on in all the people you’ve touched. For better or for worse…Always choose love…Never the gun…You could be so much more than what they believe about you. Look around you and find the proof. One Love and Peace! Find Your Self!

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