Silent Scholar

“First Chance”

How many times can I try…
Living a lifetime of lies…
Young and in love…
Let me go back…
And remember my crush…

What was once barely an exchange…
Boys and girls still had cooties…
Remembering just how unruly I could be…
Wild and untamed….
But as we age…
Thoughts begin to change…

What was the daze of childhood…
Gave way to fog…
Pushed through and saw…
What a beautiful face…
Beautiful Name…
That got me to calm down ever so briefly…
A raucous teen with hints of that intensity…

Fate would have us go our separate ways…
Until a chance run in this beautiful city…
So sure we were we…
A small hello chat and disappear…
Led to more chats and my very first chance…

Yes we were something…
But I was something different…
Perhaps deficient…
My lack of meaningful friendships and clinginess…
Made for a toxic mix with your head-strongedness…
So I said the four letter word…
Along with a showering of gifts…
Only to frighten you away…

But things didn’t end there…
I couldn’t stay away…
Some of my saddest tendencies gave way…
Kept reaching out…
Couldn’t shut my mouth or mind…
And move on…
So you took the effort and I eventually obliged…
And life moved on…

“Second Chance”

Or so I thought it did…
Only to be made aware…
A faint hope…
Brought forth through an old friend…
My name being mentioned with yours again…
And just like that…
Happiness…

I still remember dreaming so intense…
On how I’d achieve all this fame…
Only to thank you in front of the whole world…
Let them know just how much you were owed..
All my life history…
But none of this was written yet…
Only thoughts in my head…
Bear witness world here’s my second chance…

However I had one big test…
A meeting with your parents…
Which one of them…
The mysteries of life…
And so I tried…
Tell my life story…
All my desires…
Testify my truths…
Perhaps with some demons too…

But your loving parents refused…
And I became reduced…
To that young kid again…
With no one to tell…
Other than myself…
Cry and Cry…
Eventually realizing I can move on…

“Third Chance”

And life continued…
School and work and play…
But no new relations…
Ever so patient…
Waiting for fate…
To guide my life…
Or cast my dreams aside…
Content with being me…
Intensity…

However fate with all its mysteries…
Would test me once again…
A chance reconnection…
With one who knew you and me so well…
Begged me to tell it all…
So they could hear my case…
Once again blinded by faith…
Promised to pass on my words…

As I waited for you to respond…
My thoughts begun to swarm…
With warm notes and quotes…
Smile with me I say…
As I prepare for this day…
My last chance…
To see you face to face…

As we lock eyes…
Still perfect to me…
My mind says…
Yet I notice how you look away…
And hesitate to say…
What I know you wish to say…
Please say it to me…
Please give me peace…
Even through grief…

The irony of it all…
Pity the fool who dared thought…
That there could be more…
Left and back to the start…
Chances waned and lost…
All left is a shard…
With cuts and carves and parts…
No one will ever know…
Who we are…
Who we were..
I carry on…