Posts Tagged ‘Depression’

“First Chance”

How many times can I try…
Living a lifetime of lies…
Young and in love…
Let me go back…
And remember my crush…

What was once barely an exchange…
Boys and girls still had cooties…
Remembering just how unruly I could be…
Wild and untamed….
But as we age…
Thoughts begin to change…

What was the daze of childhood…
Gave way to fog…
Pushed through and saw…
What a beautiful face…
Beautiful Name…
That got me to calm down ever so briefly…
A raucous teen with hints of that intensity…

Fate would have us go our separate ways…
Until a chance run in this beautiful city…
So sure we were we…
A small hello chat and disappear…
Led to more chats and my very first chance…

Yes we were something…
But I was something different…
Perhaps deficient…
My lack of meaningful friendships and clinginess…
Made for a toxic mix with your head-strongedness…
So I said the four letter word…
Along with a showering of gifts…
Only to frighten you away…

But things didn’t end there…
I couldn’t stay away…
Some of my saddest tendencies gave way…
Kept reaching out…
Couldn’t shut my mouth or mind…
And move on…
So you took the effort and I eventually obliged…
And life moved on…

“Second Chance”

Or so I thought it did…
Only to be made aware…
A faint hope…
Brought forth through an old friend…
My name being mentioned with yours again…
And just like that…
Happiness…

I still remember dreaming so intense…
On how I’d achieve all this fame…
Only to thank you in front of the whole world…
Let them know just how much you were owed..
All my life history…
But none of this was written yet…
Only thoughts in my head…
Bear witness world here’s my second chance…

However I had one big test…
A meeting with your parents…
Which one of them…
The mysteries of life…
And so I tried…
Tell my life story…
All my desires…
Testify my truths…
Perhaps with some demons too…

But your loving parents refused…
And I became reduced…
To that young kid again…
With no one to tell…
Other than myself…
Cry and Cry…
Eventually realizing I can move on…

“Third Chance”

And life continued…
School and work and play…
But no new relations…
Ever so patient…
Waiting for fate…
To guide my life…
Or cast my dreams aside…
Content with being me…
Intensity…

However fate with all its mysteries…
Would test me once again…
A chance reconnection…
With one who knew you and me so well…
Begged me to tell it all…
So they could hear my case…
Once again blinded by faith…
Promised to pass on my words…

As I waited for you to respond…
My thoughts begun to swarm…
With warm notes and quotes…
Smile with me I say…
As I prepare for this day…
My last chance…
To see you face to face…

As we lock eyes…
Still perfect to me…
My mind says…
Yet I notice how you look away…
And hesitate to say…
What I know you wish to say…
Please say it to me…
Please give me peace…
Even through grief…

The irony of it all…
Pity the fool who dared thought…
That there could be more…
Left and back to the start…
Chances waned and lost…
All left is a shard…
With cuts and carves and parts…
No one will ever know…
Who we are…
Who we were..
I carry on…

Intro: A line from an Ed Sheeran song taken in a totally different direction. That’s the power of words. From giving hope to expressing despair and all in between.

Gone with a spark…
A flash…
A mass of lead and ash…
As I dash right past…
And clasp your hands and mine..
Trying to spot some sign…
Eyes of life…
To the side…
See no note…
To shed some light…
Don’t know why…
On this cold night…
You chose to die…

But what is a choice…
Without context…
As I try process your pains…
Your dear body drifts away…
Lowered into your resting place…
I can’t bear to see your face…
I had so much more to say…

I beg the Lord…
Will you let me visit…
Today and every day…

I still remember that day…
Day still young…
Smile still with me…
What can go wrong…
If only I had known all along…
How first sights…
Color our sights…

As I enter class…
Start to notice the glances..
Folded notes passing…
Till one drops…
Like a massive bomb…
Blows up all their thoughts…
Burned onto my heart…

But aren’t these words all talk…
Right…?
Stick and stones…
As I clasp my phone…
Messages arrive in storms…
How…?
How’d they know…?

Now my name is only shame…
And so they insist on a mix…
Of diss and malice…
Words that say…
Go away…
Disappear…
Worthless being…
In between…
Bell and bell…
And no help…

Look to my teachers…
Who smile back…
While I smile too…
No avenue…
No place to be safe…
No one to get my pain…
As this day wastes…

Next day…

Perhaps if I plead…
Please tell me…
What I need to do…
Just so everyone around me…
Could be happy…
And stop blaming me…
“Stop being you…!”
But…
I’m trying to change…
All I get back is pain…
I wish I could leave…!
I didn’t mean to be me…

Run and Run…

Bricks and wood and gates…
Protect me from their mean faces…
Something so simple as a smile…
So hard to find…
My life lies like this…

But between these walls…
Moments of bliss…
Still believe in fairy tales…
True happiness without fail…
For they came out ok…
After just a taste…
Page after page…

But I stare at the clock…
Beg it to please stop…
As my thoughts create shapes…
All weird crooked ways…
All appear all ok…
40 minutes a day…

While the so-called helpers remain away…
Don’t you see my pain…?
Or is that smile I paint…
Tells a story…
Much like the pages…
Authors know the ways…
To convince one of fairy tales…
Perhaps I’ve done the same…
For 40 minutes a day…
I tell this tale…
And walls around agree…
I’m ok…

As I approach this…
Note this Entrance…
Note this escape…
As I make my way through the halls..
Trying to time it just right…
Oh no…Door still closed…
Why has time slowed…?

First class hasn’t begun…
Now I’m wondering what can I do…
Doors and doors all locked…
Lunchroom is a no…
Library is still closed…
There’s still those clubs…
Yet can’t name a single one…
That I’m a part of…

That entrance can also be an escape…
But can’t leave just yet…
A full day of dread lies ahead…
Will I survive what’s next…

Here my body lays in repose…
The final chapter of mine closes…
Not draped with roses…bare naked…
Actually it an autopsy…
Months pass and nobody wants to claim my body…
I’m in the ethereal form now…
Steps from Hell…
Still looking down on my poor state…
This is what happens to one who loses faith…
Who loses friends…Who loses family…
Lost my sanity…
Naturally I was depressed…
So I regressed in all ways you can think…
Each night resorted to singing and writing out my pain…
Refrained from naming names of those who caused me so much pain…
Truth is I wouldn’t be able to explain…
In the end I’d still deserve all the blame…
Either way…
Nobody would come to my funeral…

The time for claiming me has expired…
Long after I expired…Coroner, all the heads getting tired…
Before they retire for the night…
Sign the sheet…
checking off where I will be buried…
An unmarked grave…
So sad they didn’t even know my name…
I shout who I am..!
But I’m a ghost…
My voice carries no force…
So Sad…So Sad…

I’m left here to reflect on how I became a reject…
I have no answers!
Only slurry banter now fills my mind…
How did time just pass me by…?
Why did I not realize I was losing my soul before it was too late..?
Why didn’t I keep my faith!?
Why am I in such a sad state!?
Why won’t any one…anyone visit me?
Why won’t anyone even say goodbye?
Am I not worth even that simple act of kindness?

It’s the final call…
I’m being wheeled down the hall in a makeshift casket…
None of the masses want to see me…
They taking me to get buried…
I scream: “Please!”
“Someone please talk to me!?”
“Please someone visit me!”
“Don’t let my last seconds on this earth be lonely…”
“I only ask for one person…just one”

It was no point…
Nobody liked me…Nobody remembered me…
Everybody left me all alone…
They let me slip away…
I also let myself slip away into the dark abode…
If only they’d know just how sad I really was…
But I guess it was never meant to be…

I try to hold onto my body…
As they lower me down…
Never to be seen again…
I look into the distance…in the shadows of night…
Hoping for someone to rush to say goodbye…
Nobody…Nobody says goodbye…Nobody came…
Silent Funeral…

Intro: The story comes to an end.

Previous Chapters…

Mystical Prayers I – https://silentscholar.com/2017/10/20/mystical-prayers/

Mystical Prayers II – https://silentscholar.com/2018/03/27/mystical-prayers-ii/

Mystical Prayers III – https://silentscholar.com/2018/11/15/mystical-prayers-iii/

Mystical Prayers IV – https://silentscholar.com/2019/08/17/mystical-prayers-iv/

Mystical Prayers V – https://silentscholar.com/2019/10/01/mystical-prayers-v/

Mystical Prayers VI – https://silentscholar.com/2020/06/27/mystical-prayers-vi/

Dear Friend…
I’ve been told…
It is time…
To let go…

I still can’t believe…
How we got here…
Every word left behind…
Stings so many times…
We failed you…
I failed you…

Perhaps my friend…
Wanted it this way…
An end to all the pain…
But was this the path to take…?

I too want an end to this pain…
Each day I pray and hear silence…
I too have tools to do the deed…
And meet you my friend…

One day I will see you again…
I don’t know when…
But this world isn’t for me either…

Be it in class…
Be the joke…

Keep the bullies at bay…
While the insides burn away…
Only to be bandaged back at home…
But raised bumps and scabs take their toll…
Each reminds me of a memory…

So close to making those friends…
40 minutes of making fun…
All at my expense…
Only to see what they really meant…
See them walk away at a pace…
That lets me know my place…
Left with big smile on my face…
Until I turn away…
Just another day…

There lies the punchline…
All they see is this smile…
Not what I feel inside…
How each night I cry…
Bandaged but still in so much pain…
Calling out for someone to care…
How much more of this pain must I bare…?
Hear another knock…
Must be a parent or sibling…
Must maintain some semblance of being fine…
So I smile…

I’ll continue to smile…
As they continue to laugh…
For as long as I can…

Intro: A continuation of the story…

Previous Chapters…

Mystical Prayers I – https://silentscholar.com/2017/10/20/mystical-prayers/

Mystical Prayers II – https://silentscholar.com/2018/03/27/mystical-prayers-ii/

Mystical Prayers III – https://silentscholar.com/2018/11/15/mystical-prayers-iii/

Mystical Prayers IV – https://silentscholar.com/2019/08/17/mystical-prayers-iv/

Mystical Prayers V – https://silentscholar.com/2019/10/01/mystical-prayers-v/

I was told…
There exists a place…
Where souls wait…
As a Higher Being decides…
When it’s time…
Find some reason to live or die…

I only ask…
Hear my pleas…
Please intercede for me…
For two lives will be lost…
If you take this one…
Who means the whole world to me…

Yet the signs are so clear…
Tests all reveal…
Let go…

 

Hear that ring…
Another day to feel like this…
Witness these fleeting things…
Flings…fuss…
Cus…stuck…
While all around watch…
Should I go in…

I take a peek…
Notice no seats saved for me…
In fact I can see each seat…
Engraved with a name…
Wondering when I’ll earn that same fame…
A simple Hey!
Over here…
We saved you a seat…

Teacher asks..
Are you going in?
One minute until the bell rings…
I nod…
I smile…
Run away…
Back to my safe space…
Where things are ok…

Where I can at least dream…
Among all these stories…
Hungry for happiness..