Posts Tagged ‘Anxiety’

The Day they rejected me

Posted: May 14, 2022 in Poetry
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I still remember that day…
Day still young…
Smile still with me…
What can go wrong…
If only I had known all along…
How first sights…
Color our sights…

As I enter class…
Start to notice the glances..
Folded notes passing…
Till one drops…
Like a massive bomb…
Blows up all their thoughts…
Burned onto my heart…

But aren’t these words all talk…
Right…?
Stick and stones…
As I clasp my phone…
Messages arrive in storms…
How…?
How’d they know…?

Now my name is only shame…
And so they insist on a mix…
Of diss and malice…
Words that say…
Go away…
Disappear…
Worthless being…
In between…
Bell and bell…
And no help…

Look to my teachers…
Who smile back…
While I smile too…
No avenue…
No place to be safe…
No one to get my pain…
As this day wastes…

Next day…

Perhaps if I plead…
Please tell me…
What I need to do…
Just so everyone around me…
Could be happy…
And stop blaming me…
“Stop being you…!”
But…
I’m trying to change…
All I get back is pain…
I wish I could leave…!
I didn’t mean to be me…

The Library

Posted: June 23, 2021 in Poetry
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Run and Run…

Bricks and wood and gates…
Protect me from their mean faces…
Something so simple as a smile…
So hard to find…
My life lies like this…

But between these walls…
Moments of bliss…
Still believe in fairy tales…
True happiness without fail…
For they came out ok…
After just a taste…
Page after page…

But I stare at the clock…
Beg it to please stop…
As my thoughts create shapes…
All weird crooked ways…
All appear all ok…
40 minutes a day…

While the so-called helpers remain away…
Don’t you see my pain…?
Or is that smile I paint…
Tells a story…
Much like the pages…
Authors know the ways…
To convince one of fairy tales…
Perhaps I’ve done the same…
For 40 minutes a day…
I tell this tale…
And walls around agree…
I’m ok…

Double Doors and Single Doors

Posted: October 27, 2020 in Poetry
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As I approach this…
Note this Entrance…
Note this escape…
As I make my way through the halls..
Trying to time it just right…
Oh no…Door still closed…
Why has time slowed…?

First class hasn’t begun…
Now I’m wondering what can I do…
Doors and doors all locked…
Lunchroom is a no…
Library is still closed…
There’s still those clubs…
Yet can’t name a single one…
That I’m a part of…

That entrance can also be an escape…
But can’t leave just yet…
A full day of dread lies ahead…
Will I survive what’s next…

Be the punchline…

Posted: July 3, 2020 in Poetry
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Be it in class…
Be the joke…

Keep the bullies at bay…
While the insides burn away…
Only to be bandaged back at home…
But raised bumps and scabs take their toll…
Each reminds me of a memory…

So close to making those friends…
40 minutes of making fun…
All at my expense…
Only to see what they really meant…
See them walk away at a pace…
That lets me know my place…
Left with big smile on my face…
Until I turn away…
Just another day…

There lies the punchline…
All they see is this smile…
Not what I feel inside…
How each night I cry…
Bandaged but still in so much pain…
Calling out for someone to care…
How much more of this pain must I bare…?
Hear another knock…
Must be a parent or sibling…
Must maintain some semblance of being fine…
So I smile…

I’ll continue to smile…
As they continue to laugh…
For as long as I can…

Lunchroom

Posted: May 31, 2020 in Poetry
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Hear that ring…
Another day to feel like this…
Witness these fleeting things…
Flings…fuss…
Cus…stuck…
While all around watch…
Should I go in…

I take a peek…
Notice no seats saved for me…
In fact I can see each seat…
Engraved with a name…
Wondering when I’ll earn that same fame…
A simple Hey!
Over here…
We saved you a seat…

Teacher asks..
Are you going in?
One minute until the bell rings…
I nod…
I smile…
Run away…
Back to my safe space…
Where things are ok…

Where I can at least dream…
Among all these stories…
Hungry for happiness..

Blue Flowers

Posted: April 30, 2016 in Poetry
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Intro: To end Autism Awareness month on a positive note. Love is the most powerful force.

Are you the one…?
As I walk back and forth…
Conjure up a dream…
The ideal…
The one that is me…
With the one that is meant for me…
In a place of blooms…
With colors abound…
Telling stories of love…
Yet with one color gone…

Where is the blue…?
Where do the blue flowers bloom…?
Catch a glimpse of another me…
Shy and tied to me by a rope only I can see…
Shakes and now I feel his ways…
While she wonders who is real…
As if two occupy the same space…
What she’d seen before now is no more…

But she’s the one…
Sees just how both parts and more form…
This rainbow of beautiful…
Those delicate petals…
Easily bruised…
Yet still bloom…

But not under the sun…
Blue blooms at night…
When all gets quiet…
Just for who’s right…
Just me and you…

Tears of a Clown

Posted: April 26, 2016 in Poetry
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Intro: Original title comes from the Tears of a Clown: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Tears_of_a_Clown. Although I originally discovered it from a Tupac Shakur song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyRyGUjsik4

This song addresses the many times when one processes things differently than the norm. When anxiety, bullying, personality go to a dark place.
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Another day…
Time for never ending laughs that last all the time I’m around….
Nothing but a clown is all they see…So they proceed to treat me as they please…
Ignoring my silent pleas for them to stop…
But all they see is a smile that begs to be fed more dread…
They believe I can handle it…
So I’m hit…Again and again…
Each insult is responded with a smile…
But it’s all for fun…?
So why should I take it so hard….
So hard…So hard…
I invited it all…

Another day…
I wonder why I even lift my head…?
I wonder why I even get up off bed…?
This life I’ve led borders on worthlessness…
I get no respect…
How about getting a speck of sympathy…?
Or will this life I lead be stuck on a trek towards something so low…
So alone…
I’m trying to figure out how act in my next show…
Trying to pick the clothes to be worn…
So the audience can be pleased…
while my misery is tucked deep inside of me…
Hidden behind a smiling face…
A face that “says” “I’m OK”….

Tonight…
Bravo! Bravo! Excellent show!
I try to take a bow…
To symbolize that I’m proud…
Proud to be tip of well told jokes…
Proud that I could hold back my tears and put on a smile…
Proud that this “lie” has made their lives worthwhile…
If only for a moment in time…
Shouldn’t I be thrilled when people smile…?
Isn’t laughter the language of the soul…?
Then why do I keep feeling so cold after each torrid show…?
They can’t see my pain…
Through all this face paint…
But even if I came plain…
It would still all be in vain…
So I must maintain this image of a clown…
One who brings a smile to all those around…
That’ll be my eternal crown…
“The one that makes us smile”

Blue Puzzles II

Posted: April 16, 2016 in Poetry
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1, 2, 3 , 4…

Pair up…
Afraid of those words…
Afraid that I’ll be picked last…
As I won’t build those same bonds…
Built over time…
Or in an instant…
For when I try…
Or rather not…
Just stay to the side…
And hope a single soul sees…
This being begging for some piece…
Of what it means to belong…
If just for a moment…
Then I promise to leave…
Back to my reality…
Back to peace…
____

Headphones

Posted: April 10, 2016 in Poetry
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Intro: April is Autism Awareness month. Taking a hiatus from other topics in progress to focus on writings that perhaps reflect the nuances.

It’s my World….
At peace with words…
The sounds…
Thoughts from inside…
Bridge being my eyes…
Sights from outside…
Peer into my mind…

Focus…
Focus…
Can’t…
She’s too…
Is she sweet…
Look away…
Look away…

Maybe a slight grin…
Then this can begin…
Be you…
But be me…?
You know where that leads…
Me being broken…
Misunderstood like before…
Better to be in my world…

Where the sounds tell more…
Whole stories about heroes…
Even tragedies…
But forever happy to be me…
Back to my world…
_____

Blue Puzzles I

Posted: April 8, 2016 in Poetry
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Figments…
Trying to grasp…
While walking past all this noise…
What does he mean?
She’s mean?
Blessed be those who can see…
While I try to perceive…

What a smile means…
Or a frown…
All this doubt…
Pass by the crowd…

Another bout of pain…
Can I make it…?
But the blank stares…
Please stop…
Judged by all…
Why can’t I be unseen…
Let me be…

Yet I wish for more…
For what they have…
For those smiles…
Just to feel what happiness is about…

Blessed be those who can see…
I’m not one of them…
They don’t understand me…
Why I am who I am…
Eyes look away…
Another day gone…

But I made it…
Blessed…