Posts Tagged ‘Loneliness’

Intro: To end Autism Awareness month on a positive note. Love is the most powerful force.

Are you the one…?
As I walk back and forth…
Conjure up a dream…
The ideal…
The one that is me…
With the one that is meant for me…
In a place of blooms…
With colors abound…
Telling stories of love…
Yet with one color gone…

Where is the blue…?
Where do the blue flowers bloom…?
Catch a glimpse of another me…
Shy and tied to me by a rope only I can see…
Shakes and now I feel his ways…
While she wonders who is real…
As if two occupy the same space…
What she’d seen before now is no more…

But she’s the one…
Sees just how both parts and more form…
This rainbow of beautiful…
Those delicate petals…
Easily bruised…
Yet still bloom…

But not under the sun…
Blue blooms at night…
When all gets quiet…
Just for who’s right…
Just me and you…

Intro: Original title comes from the Tears of a Clown: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Tears_of_a_Clown. Although I originally discovered it from a Tupac Shakur song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyRyGUjsik4

This song addresses the many times when one processes things differently than the norm. When anxiety, bullying, personality go to a dark place.

Another day…
Time for never ending laughs that last all the time I’m around….
Nothing but a clown is all they see…So they proceed to treat me as they please…
Ignoring my silent pleas for them to stop…
But all they see is a smile that begs to be fed more dread…
They believe I can handle it…
So I’m hit…Again and again…
Each insult is responded with a smile…
But it’s all for fun…?
So why should I take it so hard….
So hard…So hard…
I invited it all…

Another day…
I wonder why I even lift my head…?
I wonder why I even get up off bed…?
This life I’ve led borders on worthlessness…
I get no respect…
How about getting a speck of sympathy…?
Or will this life I lead be stuck on a trek towards something so low…
So alone…
I’m trying to figure out how act in my next show…
Trying to pick the clothes to be worn…
So the audience can be pleased…
while my misery is tucked deep inside of me…
Hidden behind a smiling face…
A face that “says” “I’m OK”….

Tonight…
Bravo! Bravo! Excellent show!
I try to take a bow…
To symbolize that I’m proud…
Proud to be tip of well told jokes…
Proud that I could hold back my tears and put on a smile…
Proud that this “lie” has made their lives worthwhile…
If only for a moment in time…
Shouldn’t I be thrilled when people smile…?
Isn’t laughter the language of the soul…?
Then why do I keep feeling so cold after each torrid show…?
They can’t see my pain…
Through all this face paint…
But even if I came plain…
It would still all be in vain…
So I must maintain this image of a clown…
One who brings a smile to all those around…
That’ll be my eternal crown…
“The one that makes us smile”

1, 2, 3 , 4…

Pair up…
Afraid of those words…
Afraid that I’ll be picked last…
As I won’t build those same bonds…
Built over time…
Or in an instant…
For when I try…
Or rather not…
Just stay to the side…
And hope a single soul sees…
This being begging for some piece…
Of what it means to belong…
If just for a moment…
Then I promise to leave…
Back to my reality…
Back to peace…
____

Intro: April is Autism Awareness month. Taking a hiatus from other topics in progress to focus on writings that perhaps reflect the nuances.

It’s my World….
At peace with words…
The sounds…
Thoughts from inside…
Bridge being my eyes…
Sights from outside…
Peer into my mind…

Focus…
Focus…
Can’t…
She’s too…
Is she sweet…
Look away…
Look away…

Maybe a slight grin…
Then this can begin…
Be you…
But be me…?
You know where that leads…
Me being broken…
Misunderstood like before…
Better to be in my world…

Where the sounds tell more…
Whole stories about heroes…
Even tragedies…
But forever happy to be me…
Back to my world…
_____

Figments…
Trying to grasp…
While walking past all this noise…
What does he mean?
She’s mean?
Blessed be those who can see…
While I try to perceive…

What a smile means…
Or a frown…
All this doubt…
Pass by the crowd…

Another bout of pain…
Can I make it…?
But the blank stares…
Please stop…
Judged by all…
Why can’t I be unseen…
Let me be…

Yet I wish for more…
For what they have…
For those smiles…
Just to feel what happiness is about…

Blessed be those who can see…
I’m not one of them…
They don’t understand me…
Why I am who I am…
Eyes look away…
Another day gone…

But I made it…
Blessed…

Intro: An older more heavily hip hop style song. A time when rhyming was more of a focus than the content itself.

An interesting monologue/conversation.

Hey…
I can’t believe this is you…
Can’t believe this is the truth…
Can’t believe you grabbed that knife…
Can’t believe you wanted to end your life…

Could believe you threw your knife down…
could believe your life was found…
Could believe you’ve found brighter days…
Could believe you’d find your way…

Can’t believe you kept spiraling down…
Can’t believe you thought life was done…
Can’t believe you grabbed that gun…
Could believe that gun had blanks…
Thank the Lord…
Thanks…

But here you are lying in a hospital bed…!
No one knew of this life you led…!
Stuck with all these tubes…
This is not how I’d pictured you…
Bloodied shirt…
Feel so hurt…

Can’t believe you didn’t tell me…
Can’t believe that we weren’t homies…
Can’t believe you wrote such harsh words…
Can’t believe you wanted us all cursed…

Could believe we were drifting apart…
Could believe it was because of my cold heart…
Could believe I wouldn’t understand…
Could believe that I still want to be your friend…

Could believe….
Can’t believe…
Could believe…
Can’t believe…

Can’t believe they want me to let you go..
Can’t believe I’ll now be all alone…
No homie to hang out with…
No more laugh out loud moments…
Enough…!
No one is hearing me…!
Who am I!?
Who is this!?
We got the same slit wrists…
Not it can’t be..!
You are me…!
I did the deed…!

Intro:
This time…
How I used to write so much beautiful things…
Yet you rejected it all…

Lesson learned…
Don’t open your heart to getting burned…
Spurned by the aperture that I thought was love…
Instead is now the very shrug I’ve seen far too much….

Knowing that no matter what is done…Never seems enough on my part…
Always too quick to open my heart…Because I’m always thinking way too far…
Maybe if life’s flows were are on par with my thoughts…
Or I should just admit it…
I’m just wrong…

Shrugged off like I don’t matter at all…
All my words lack any worth…
Lesson Learned…
Once again my best friend is a teary pen…
Let the remorse commence…

Ignored

Posted: November 27, 2015 in Poetry
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s true…
Feel like an outcast among strangers…
Common memory makers mark me with malaise…
My own “state” migrates with me wherever I go…
Forever being “The Other”…
Unable to slow…
Stay…
Wait…
My days repeat…
Don’t know what it means to be happy…
For the pursuit ends with me being on my knees…
Begging the Lord for some semblance of peace…
But how I see peace runs against all they see…
They don’t want me to be part of their humanity…
No one does!
Hence I’m left with so much love…
Unable to share with anyone!
For I have been judged…
Without one word being spoken…

Please don’t fear the way I am…
I only wish to make some friends…
I only wish to be your friend…

Turn their backs away…
Away…

Intro: A very different take on the word Soliloquy. Was wondering if the prayers of a person ever get answered.
Or are we just screaming into the wind? As there may not be something or someone out there…

All prayers should be…
The voice of a human…
Sounds of the Divine…

Try my best to understand…
The Divine plans…
Hour after hour…
Calling out Your Name in vain…
Still spend each night in prayer…

While the faithless ones point and laugh…
Claim me to be a fool…
And each day claim me to be the proof…
A clown who chooses to be duped…
By tales of Your greatness…

Pacing back and forth…
Asking the Lord why won’t you grant…
The demands of this penniless peasant man…
Your presence…
All Blank!
Reach me!?

Instead You seem to aggrieve me…
Over even the little good deeds…!
Of which I receive no peace…
Only brief fleeting moments of hope…
Shattered as soon as I get this close…

Feel abandoned by the Divine and fellow man…
The echo of love felt throughout…
Now an endless drought…
With no hope…
No choice…
But to shout…!

And receive no sound…
Only the signs that You don’t care…
Lost forever on my own…
While they all witness me fall…

Current inspiration…
Be who you are…
And no more…
For a life spent trying to please…
Too often leads to misery…

If he or she won’t let you be…
And treats you as some small piece of sweet…
As that taste leaves so quickly…
And leaves behind pain…

You will never feel at ease…
Trying to find peace…
In a being such as he/she…

Darling don’t cry…
Aint worth it…